I believe I have seen and
been through just enough to make me a better, wiser and stronger woman.
Not
that I wish for more challenging and traumatic experiences in my life but
should I be in the same situations and experiences again I know I would handle
them and react differently, which makes me appreciate the lessons they have
given me, lessons which no school or classroom could have prepared me for. It
is on that note that suddenly through my writing you think you have an idea of
who I am, stuff I went through or who I am. Well, just to burst your bubble,
you only know my name and not my story!
Heard
Well you only heard about what I have
done maybe from your gossip mates, friend’s people in your social circles but
you really don’t know that I was a very troublesome teenager. I was very
naughty and would often channel my energy to all the things that would put me
in trouble with my grandmother. Well I did save some energy for my school work
though. I was a smart kid by the way.
Talk about peer pressure, I have been
through that too, and mostly I was the pressurizing peer. I was very
adventurous, believe me you I wanted to explore almost everything under the
sun. My mind was just to curious, and guess what I ended up older friends than
my young self, and yes that meant behaving my age didn’t seem really cool anymore,
I had to step up and fit in with my older peeps. Now this meant older habits too
and yes I quickly grew up!
Become
You might see what I have become and
think it came easy. I have fought so many battles with myself and with so many
people too. But I am so happy I won one that matters to me, a battle with
myself. It is really hard winning when you have fallen through hard times and
suffered the biggest loss of your life.
You might see how I walk tall, smile
and forge new relationships and think, she has it all together. Truth is you
never get over the loss of a loved one, you just choose to either get stuck in
the pain or let it rule your life or accept it and move on. You know my name
right, you don’t know that I sometimes wish heaven had a telephone. Yes I would
sometimes call on my loved one just to tell on how mean and judgemental you are
to me.
Lonely
Do you know why you judge me or still
don’t know me, it’s simple. It’s because you don’t go home with me every day.
You don’t see me when I cry myself to sleep. You are never there each time I
close the door in my house to face my troubles, my bills and the needs of my children.
You don’t know how much headaches I get due to stress of knowing I have no one
to share with what a rough day I had or suddenly the television doesn’t
work. Do you know how many times I roll
over to the other empty side of the bed each night or sometimes cringe in fear
due to the strange sounds outside at night, see I told you, you just don’t know
me? Do you know how much pressure has
been put on me to be perfect that sometimes I fear stepping outside? I know you
don’t!
Rejection
Do you know how it feels to be rejected
and labelled? In fact you don’t know because you did one day, was it not
rejection when you pretended not to see me when you saw the colour of the
clothes I wore, yes they were all black once upon a time. Do you know how much your smile and
pleasantries would have meant to me yet you chose to turn the other way. Do you that I know all the names and labels I
have been called over time? That’s why you call me weird and crazy, yet I am
being me.
Abuse
Do you know that I have lost very
special people in my life in the hands of their partners, do you know how I
react each day I read stories of gender-based violence, I actually lose my mind
all the time I hear such stories. Do you the trauma I go through each time I
listen to a person relating the abuse experiences, in actual fact part of me dies because I have
been through that too, not even once.
You clearly don’t know how it feels to be
tired of being tired of violence against women. In all forms I mean, that is
why I am sure you just don’t know me at all but my name. Do you know how many
scars and wounds I have nursed? Are you aware that the smile you see on my face
had hid tears and that the very same set of eyes can tell a thousand tales.
Battles
Just so you know everyone is fighting
their own battles therefore have that in mind before you jump to judge, label
or criticize. It might have been through your attitude and judgemental nature
that we totally lost a sister, friend and future leader to gender-based
violence. It’s your words that might have led her into feeling she deserved it,
she was not strong enough to walk away or she asked for it. It must your unkind
words that made our sister feel so much guilt, shame and humiliation that she
stayed on within the abusive relationship, yet all you know is her name and not
her story.
Education
Do you want to know me now, I bet you
do. Well education saved me from all the terrible experiences I have shared
with you. At the end of the day, I would find comfort in knowing I have
something to pave way for me should everything else fall apart. It is for this
reason I believe that every girl child should have access to education and all
educational spaces should be violence free. The value is so huge it surpasses
all that I have come across in this world, believe me without education I would
not overcome most of life challenges.
Your Role
As we commemorate the 16 Days of
Activism against Gender-based Violence, take time to self-introspect how you
have influenced and further perpetrated gender-based violence, have you been a
positive influence to those that have been through violence, have you given
hope to the hopeless, have you been a voice for the voiceless or have you just
been the reason victims of gender based violence still lack power to face the
world or speak out.
I have made the choice to be a voice of the voiceless, so each time you judge or speak
about me, make sure you know my story and not only just my Name!
Nontobeko Mbuyane aka Nonto Bee is Swaziland's UNICEF U-Report National Coordinator. She writes for Swazi Style Scene on her personal capacity. None of the views expressed here are that of UNICEF, UNICEF partners or stakeholders. Her opinion pieces have been published in The Swazi News.
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